August 24, 2005
C/O Universal Music Group
New York, NY 10019
I’m writing you with a business proposition. You see, in times like these, it’s getting harder and harder every day to hustle. I’m looking to make a move to enable myself to clock the type of grip befitting a homie like me. When you’ve got the sheer number and quality of bitches I maintain, their lifestyles can take a pretty serious toll on the old pocketbook. And that toll doesn’t even take child support, alimony and hush money into account. I’m sure you can relate.
That being said, I have noticed a tragic under-representation of the Caucasian man (“white man,” in street parlance) in the G-Unit posse and your entourage, at large. I have a solution for this. You see, I am well aware of your legal travails (I know you’re innocent on all counts) - most recently, a shooting outside of Hot 97 FM in New York - and see an easy solution. Add a white guy to the posse. I have a long history of getting out of traffic citations, driving under the influence, property damage, vandalism, drunk in public, marijuana use and possession, and conduct deemed threatening to myself and others, for no other apparent reason than the color of my skin. I can do even better.
We can choose to pull the wool over our eyes and claim that race has no bearing on citizens’ treatment by the law enforcement community. Or we can call a spade a spade and take action to aid in your immediate defense when the police get involved, as they inevitably will. Add me to your crew. Knowing your well-catalogued run-ins with the police, the dividends will be appreciated very soon, if not immediately.
To boot, I’m willing to work for no more than $150,000, cash, annually, one ounce of the chrizzle per month, five-star hotel accommodations, reasonable access to some freaky bitches and a travel budget for limousines (stocked bar), chartered jets and a modest yacht (less than 100 feet in length) ride now and again. (What can I say about the last part? My baby daughter’s momma has always wanted to ride on a yacht.) If you feel generous, I’d love to have a calf-length fur coat and a pair of snakeskin boots, but I can live without. My services are all about you and your best interests (as I’m sure can be said of all your entourage members), and the last thing I want to appear is greedy.
Please consider the arrangement and feel free to contact me directly with questions, concerns, and/or an offer letter. And on a personal note, I’m a really big fan!